If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? This is the existential dilemma that the Tory party now faces. The pain is real and their faces are contorted like Munch’s Scream. But they are locked into their own echo chamber of futility.
Fair to say the Tories have not adjusted well to opposition. Many continue to believe they are the natural party of government and the country has a sacred duty to continue accepting whatever deadbeats it puts in front of voters.
They had got away with train wrecks such as Theresa May, Boris Johnson and Liz Truss, and had assumed they would get by with five more years of Rishi Sunak. They have yet to catch up with reality. They believe that 4 July was a random category error that will in time be righted.
Now check out the numbers. With Jimmy Dimly eliminated – either by accident or design: no one still knows which – only KemiKaze and Honest Bob are left in the leadership contest. Which means that any Tories in the centre or the left of the party are effectively disfranchised. All those who voted Lib Dem in July aren’t coming back.
Even those on the right of the party – the ones who think that the way forward is to become more Reform than Nigel Farage – don’t seem to really care. Honest Bob has been giving speeches of quiet desperation to a handful of supporters and a smattering of reporters. The returns have long since diminished to zero.
KemiKaze has been doing next to nothing – largely because whenever she does open her mouth she manages to insult vast numbers of people. On Wednesday, she broke cover for an online rally watched by 171 people. She really needn’t have bothered. You can find more people at a bus stop in Tooting Bec.
We are where we are. Left with a leadership contest that not even the Tories want. Polling shows that neither candidate is close to beating Keir Starmer. So at best they are electing an interim leader who will crash and burn inside two years. It’s that pointless. So no wonder Tory head office has tried to limit the number of debates between Kemi and Honest Bob. Best to keep your soiled goods hidden.
But for one night only in the campaign they were let loose. To the place where they could do the least damage. In front of an audience of Tory members live on GB News. Literally the only people left who still vaguely cared. Though it was not to be a debate. Kemikaze and Honest Bob couldn’t be trusted not to lick lumps out of each other so were scheduled to appear separately. That way the only damage they could do was to themselves. Both duly obliged.
“This debate is going to shape the future of the country,” said presenter Chris Hope, bravely. It really wasn’t. First up was Honest Bob, who proceeded to run through all the things previous Tory governments had got wrong. He didn’t appear to realise that he had served as a minister under five prime ministers and that it might have been more helpful if he had spoken up a bit earlier.
“It’s time to get serious,” he said. Which rather counted him out. Because the more you see of him, the less there is. No more than a Tory boy cardboard cutout. Insubstantial. The Hollow Man. He insisted his values had never changed, which rather implied that he had never had any in the first place. Just a political chameleon, changing as required. The EU-loving Cameroon who became an ersatz Farage.
In a quick-fire Q&A at the end, he was asked if he had ever taken drugs. Kemi was later asked the same subject. Both said no. You have never heard a better advert for taking drugs. For the first time ever, I was left questioning whether abstinence had been the right choice these past 37 years.
Then came Kemi. Bristling with anger from the off. She was the conviction politician with no policies. She would just make up her mind on the day how she felt and go with that. Kemi then trotted out a list of all the things she hated. It might have been therapy, only it didn’t appear to make her feel any better.
Cut to the first question. How would she restore public confidence in the Conservative’s ability to govern? By starting a fight with the audience. “I’ve just told you,” she snapped. Why was she surrounded by idiots? Her anger and hatred just built from there, becoming more and more charmless the longer the show went on.
Her minders had been right to keep her under wraps. She doesn’t just think she’s right about everything. She knows she is. Anyone who isn’t with her 100% is an enemy. A morally inferior enemy. Her only redeeming feature is that she hates herself just as much as she hates everyone else.
It was a blessing when the clock ticked round to nine o’clock and we could all check out. We had learned nothing new. Just confirmation of two pisspoor contestants fighting for the populist vote. The members preferred Kemi. Labour will be thrilled.
As the debate ended, an advert appeared for a retirement home. Clearly an advertiser who understood the GB News demographic. I was almost tempted.
Taking the Lead by John Crace is published by Little, Brown (£18.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
A year in Westminster: John Crace, Marina Hyde and Pippa Crerar. On Tuesday 3 December, join Crace, Hyde and Crerar as they look back at a political year like no other, live at the Barbican in London and livestreamed globally. Book tickets here or at guardian.live.