It is honestly a disgrace how Australia behaved in Perth, and it should be nipped in the bud and set an example of by World Rugby.
Not content with the fact that their team is clearly second fiddle to the back-to-back World Cup champions and gods that walk among mere mortals – the Springboks, by the way – the Wallabies wanted quick results, and by Jove, they got them!
Instead of resetting and continuing their gradual growth under a highly respected coach and an inexperienced team, the Aussies have fallen back into their underarm throwing, sandpaper ball-scratching ways – by cheating.
It doesn’t matter if those examples apply to a sport completely separate from rugby – they all cheat!
After putting together an encouraging opening half in Perth that saw them neck-and-neck with the mighty Springboks – even grabbing a scrum penalty, they’re not allowed to do that against the Boks – the Wallabies unveiled their trump card – injuring crucial players.
Firstly, Angus Bell, after playing a full half of competitive rugby, fresh off returning from a significant foot injury that saw him sidelined for months, didn’t return to the field due to a cut above his eye. Player welfare definitely doesn’t come into it, that’s immediately suspicious. It’s not like there is another player there to replace him.
Angus Bell of the Wallabies heads to the locker room at the halftime break during The Rugby Championship match between the Wallabies and South Africa Springboks at Optus Stadium. Definitely not worth checking for HIA though. (Photo by Paul Kane/Getty Images)
Also, never mind the fact that in every match this year, Joe Schmidt has consistently swapped props out at half-time to manage their workload, with no issues. No, there was definitely something contentious about Bell not returning.
Wallaby captain Allan Alaalatoa also didn’t return after half-time, further making this situation more fishy than a hake the size of Siya Kolisi’s arm.
Then, Bell’s replacement James Slipper, currently on track to become the most capped Wallaby of all time and one of Australia’s most committed and reliable players, suddenly went down injured in the 49th minute due to another suspected HIA – effectively robbing Australia of two loosehead props.
The result? Australia had to resort to uncontested scrums, robbing the Bomb Squad of an ample opportunity to ground them into a fine paste and smatter them like fertiliser across the Optus Stadium turf.
World Rugby need to nullify this sort of disgusting behaviour, and you think they would, given they had a certified independent doctor there to monitor situations like HIA.
However, the key fact is this: the home union appoints that independent doctor to the match. Yes, Rugby Australia provides the independent doctor – therefore nullifying them as ‘independent.’ Never mind they are certified by World Rugby and cannot have any affiliation with any of the nations competing in that day’s match.
Never mind the fact the players, administrators and coaching staff would all have to be in on it. Never mind the fact the Wallabies have never done anything like this before.
But… sand-paper. Underarm. Cheats!
What adds further fuel to prove these sand-groping down under knobs were up to no good: who played for Argentina!
As pointed out by injured Springboks lock Lood de Jager on The Verdict podcast, under HIA regulations there have to be 12 days before you can play again.
While James Slipper stayed behind for Australia’s tour of Argentina for some reason, having a kid or something, guess which two players had the audacity to play against Argentina, 14 days after they last took to the field?
Angus Bell and Allan Alaalatoa.
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What about your HIA boys? Bit dodgy much?
Okay, Springbok fans. Ya got us! We planned it from the beginning.
Never mind the fact players pulled up for HIA have to go through three stages of independent review during the game, post-game, and in the 36-48 hours after the game to confirm no head injury occurred.
We confess. We deliberately went down four front-rowers to neutralise the Bomb Squad.
We did it, even though doing such a move would leave our lineout completely ineffective.
We did it, even though it meant our rolling maul – something we have definitely been very good at since Joe Schmidt arrived and has definitely not been targeted by every team we’ve played – was even more crippled and unable to stop the Springboks from scoring, thereby still seeing the Bomb Squad light their metaphorical fuses anyway.
We confess. It was all done with the one specific purpose of stopping the Bomb Squad scrum.
World Rugby has laws in place to penalise teams for creating a situation where uncontested scrums are necessary – and we confess that we wanted that situation to occur because we wanted to play against the current number-one-ranked team in the world with 14 men.
Ya got us! Never mind the fact you showed your clear dominance by beating us 30-12, we must be punished even further for not letting you dominate us enough.
We even planned the two-week break between the Boks and Puma games, just so we could pull this move.
It’s all there, as clear as a Rassie Erasmus-operated traffic light system.
Rassie Erasmus, Coach of South Africa. A god. (Photo by Justin Setterfield – World Rugby/World Rugby via Getty Images)
However, now both of us reasonable fanbases are on the same page and identified this clear attack on the morals of our game by those filthy Aussies, what next?
Firstly, we must be penalised for having our players getting injured, of course. They deserve it.
Why stop here though? This is a clear abuse of the laws governing our glorious game and any team must be punished for daring to challenge them – whether they do it through accidentally getting injured or otherwise.
Surely, Australia should be punished for calling Perth a ‘home’ game – yeah it’s Western Australia, but did you see HOW MANY Saffas were there? Are we sure it’s not spelt Perthfontein? (Credit: H. Jones)
What about we punish Australia for being the only other nation that dares to play in green and gold? Surely those colours have no significance to them as a nation.
Noah Lolesio is probably somehow responsible for all the fat shaming of Rassie Erasmus this week, let’s punish him too.
Zane Nonggorr, Billy Pollard and Harry Wilson look on at the holy gods of rugby, South Africa Herculean Springboks at Optus Stadium on August 17, 2024 in Perthfontein, Australia. (Photo by Paul Kane/Getty Images)
Why stop at rugby? Let’s go further. Emus are just knock-off ostriches – even our wildlife is mimicking yours!
How about we give you AC/DC? Yep guys, they’re actually from Bloemfontein! It’s true!
We accept it. We are guilty. The Springboks’ dominance cannot be undermined, and we must stop this abuse of the laws and kill such approaches to the game in its crib.
We know justice is coming for us South Africa – right after this weekend, when you once again throw the All Blacks off during the haka using DJs, pyrotechnics and low-flying jets all at once, then win with contentious tries to Bongi that surprisingly don’t get checked by the TMO.